HAPPY HUMP DAY

Happy Hump Day Everyone! Here is my weekly post to make you smile, chuckle, giggle or laugh 'til you pee your pants.... and this week we're going Thanksgiving style. Ready? Ok, here goes.....

THANKSGIVING DIVORCE

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this..."

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife, "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

FIVE WAYS TO MAKE THANKSGIVING INTERESTING

• During the middle of the meal, turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice that the turkey was four months past its expiration date. You were worried for nothing."

• When everyone goes around to say what they are thankful for, say, "I'm thankful I didn't get caught" and refuse to say anything more.

• Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that it's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake
  

• Bring along an old football game recording and pop it in when no one is looking. When it get to about the last two minutes of the game turn off the recording, and then turn on the regular TV.
  

• Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms. Request they bring photos too.

******

And finally, as you enjoy your feast, please take a moment to thank the pie maker.....

Happy Thanksgiving!!

A FISHFUL THANKSGIVING

If you have school aged kids like me, then chances are they are on Thanksgiving Break this week. Our kids are not off all week. They go Monday & Tuesday, and then return the Monday after Thanksgiving.

Chances are you might be trying to figure out exactly what you can do to keep them entertained this week. Well, as a Fishful Thinking Ambassador, I'd like to invite you over the the Fishful Thinking website to check out the various activities they have for children of all ages.

Here are just a few examples of some of the great activities you can try with your family.

How about celebrating and saving those memories from a special occasion? Possibly Thanksgiving Dinner, or a friendly game of football, maybe just some great times just catching up with family and friends. Create an online storybook with the Storybook Maker. You can upload your own photos, write your own story, and then share it with everyone online with the terrific sharing tools.

Thanksgiving is a time to cherish with family and friends. Make a Grateful Sayings poster during the holiday and discuss what you are grateful for this year. It's a wonderful way to keep and savor this special time. Let each guest take a moment to write on the poster about what they are grateful for this Thanksgiving.

There are plenty of other activities you can check out on the Fishful Thinking website. Try one of those I mentioned above or maybe the Treasure Box, Savoring Food, Silver Lining Game, Goal Road Map, or Happiness Scavenger Hunt activities. I am sure it will not on keep your child entertained, but I'm sure it will help teach them a little something too.

I'M A NIGHT-OWL.... UNFORTUNATELY

Do I enjoy staying up late? Nope, not since my days or shall I say nights of partying until dawn with my friends. I have become a Night-Owl. Not by choice though. It seems those couple of hours after everyone has gone to bed are often more productive than the entire day.

I'd love a good nights sleep. I can't remember the last time I was asleep before midnight. I'd love to sleep in one morning. I can't say my early rise is the fault of my family. Usually it is my bladders fault.... or Friday's bladder. The dog loves me and often refuses to get out of bed until I am up. She rarely will go outside for anyone else. Yet she finds no problem with pawing at me until I wake up. Plus, I seem to hear everything. Even though the family often tries to be very quiet I can sometimes awaken to the slightest noise. Sadly, I am one those people that once I'm up.... I'm up for good. Did I mention I L-O-V-E it when Hanna points out the dark circles under my eyes and tells me how tired I look. I haven't found a concealer yet that can hide those beauties!

It seems that no matter how well I have tried to plan or scheduled out my day something always comes up. Daddy works from home for the most part. He is often in and out during the day. I find I get much more accomplished when he is "OUT". Dakota is getting home earlier now that he started junior high. That means whatever I planned on accomplishing during the day needs to get done before 3 PM. He will be home by then and Hanna isn't too far behind. By that time it is on to homework, snacks, playtime, dinner, reading, bath time, etc., etc. I've tried to squeeze in some laundry here, or a blog post there. Add in a few phones calls, important emails, chatty neighbors, or unexpected visitors and my day is thrown completely off. After just one interruption my clothes are wrinkled and still unfolded. Oh, and that great post I was thinking about.... totally forgotten. This all plays hell with my OCD. Chaos and disorder are my enemy.

So, hear I am at almost midnight typing out a blog post. I shall head off to bed soon, but I need to switch the clothes to the dryer first. There is a field trip tomorrow and Dakota needs his band shirt. For some reason I didn't find out about that until late this evening. Go figure. Just another day in the life of a mom.

LENOX HOLIDAY GIVEAWAY

I love the holidays. It is my absolute favorite time of the year. The decorating, the baking, the entertaining, the memories created with family and friends. I can't get enough of it all.

I get giddy thinking up new home decorating ideas. Trying a new recipe gives me a thrill. I am always finding new items to add to my snowman and snowflake collection. I get excited walking through a store and seeing the rounded belly of a new snow friend sticking out to greet me. I'm one of those odd people who enjoys cooking and entertaining. I love it really. It relaxes me. It's like therapy for me, but cheaper. Our house has become the gathering place for all these festive occasions and I look forward to each one.

Lenox and TwitterMoms recently posed the question 'What is Your Favorite Drink of the Holiday Season?' I have so many different drinks and cocktails I love, but I posted my all time family favorite - Hot Chocolate. I love that the entire family can enjoy a cup of hot chocolate together. We can make it our own with marshmallows, or whipped cream, a peppermint stick or even a little or a lot of chocolate shavings. That quality time with my family chatting about anything.... and nothing. It's those little moments I savor.

So, here's the GREAT GIVEAWAY I have for you. Lenox has graciously offered a beautiful set of 4 O2xygen Balloon Wine Glasses for one of my lucky readers.

Features:

• Generous bowls that offer terrific breathing room
• Crafted of break-resistant, lead-free crystal
• Dishwasher safe
• Great gift idea

These glasses are beautiful. I think they would make a terrific addition to any holiday table or wrap them up nicely and top with a big bow for a special gift under the tree.

**WIN IT!** Want to win them? Sure you do! Here how you can get entries:

• Go to the Lenox - TwitterMoms Drinks of the Season site. Come back and leave me a comment telling me about one of the drinks you saw Mandatory 1st entry
  
• Follow my blog or subscribe to my feed 1 entry
• Post my button on your blog or website 1 entry
  
• Became a fan of Lenox on Facebook 1 entry
• Follow Rant Rave Roll on Twitter 1 entry
  
• Follow Lenox on Twitter 1 entry
  
• Tweet about this giveaway linking back here - one tweet per day 1 entry each
  

Example: Happy Holidays Giveaway from @RantRaveRoll http://tinyurl.com/ykw9284 You can win a terrific set of Lenox Wine Glasses

• Blog about this giveaway and link back to this post 5 entries

That's plenty of entries! Be sure you leave a separate comment for each one. First entry is mandatory. All others entries will not be valid without completion. This giveaway will be open until Friday December 04, 2009 at 11:59 PM.

Disclosure: I received a set of O2xygen Balloon Wine Glasses for participating in this promotion for Twitter Moms.

I'VE BEEN STABBED!

or....

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?

or....

WHY MEN SHOULDN'T PLAY WITH SHARP OBJECTS

Any of these titles would do for this post. Shopping alone late at night can be dangerous. Even stopping on the wrong side of town. Maybe a little Road Rage scare from time to time. Never in my life did I think I would be stabbed over homework though!

Let me set the stage for you: Dakota was having an easy night in the homework department. Compared to the recent homework overload it was a walk in the park. I think we were all a little giddy.

I am in and out of the room trying to accomplish a few things before dinner. Dakota is sitting at the kitchen table correcting his math worksheet. I walk in see Dakota jumping up from his chair and Daddy hovering over him. Dakota has a huge, excited grin on his face and says, 'Oh cool. How'd you do that?' or something to that effect I think nothing of it. I am walking over to the table to recheck homework when Daddy turns towards me, and takes his fist and "punches" me in the upper arm. I can feel nothing but a jabbing pain in my arm. This was not just a punch. I have a piercing pain flowing through my arm. The next thing you hear is, 'Ooowwww! What the fuck was that for!' in a high pitched and shrill voice. I'm still wondering what kind of screeching animal was in the kitchen because it sounded nothing like me. My arm is throbbing. My eyes have welled up with tears. I have now moved into the living room where I am bent over and clutching my arm for dear life while trying to figure out what the hell just happened.

My entourage has followed me and all I hear is a din of noise and sound mixed with voices and phrases, 'I'm sorry!' and 'Are you alright?' The pain has begun to pass and now I am becoming angry and annoyed. I am still unsure exactly what has happened and why Daddy tried to stab me. I'm fighting back tears and look up at him and ask, 'What was that? Why did you stab me in the arm?' His reply is, 'I didn't stab you, or at least I didn't mean to......... you moved.' Uhhh.... Excuse me? Did you seriously just try to blame ME for you jabbing me in the arm with a sharp object? OH... NO... YOU... DIDN'T! picture a chicken neck bobbing and finger snapping motion to go along with the phrase

Now, here is a low down on the stabbing. Daddy is getting a little father-son time. He's apparently showing Dakota some tricks.... slight of hand.... pick up routines.... Hell, I don't know what he was doing really. Here is how the trick is supposed to go though: Make a fist holding a pencil loosely inside and then hit your fist up against an unsuspecting victim.... I believe the upper arm area is the target of choice. The victim believes you are attacking them with a pencil. Yet your loose grip allows the pencil to be pushed up as your fist makes contact with the victim's arm. Daddy performed the trick on Dakota, and it worked fine. However, when he attempted to perform the trick on me, his next unsuspecting victim, it did not work out so well. He either tightened his grip... subconsciously enjoying the feel of stabbing me OR somehow his hand built up a resistance and was in need of a lubricant to allow for smooth sliding of the pencil. So instead of slipping through his fist, Daddy stabbed me in the arm with a frickin' pencil! Then he even tried to make it sound like it was my fault. Are you kidding me?

I am thankful that I was wearing a shirt with sleeves that covered the targeted area of my arm. I'm also thankful that no one had bothered to sharpen the pencil in awhile. I have a welt and lovely red scratch across my bicep. My arm is sore, and I'm pretty sure I will have a lovely bruise to go with my eye-catching scratch. Oh, and I also got ammo, because I guarantee the next time I'm losing an argument ha... like that ever happens I'll be pulling out the big guns saying 'Remember that time you stabbed me with a pencil?!'

Now, I hope you can understand why I'm replacing every pair of scissors in the house with the rounded-tip type first chance I get.

HAPPY HUMP DAY

Happy Hump Day Everyone! Here is my weekly post to make you smile, chuckle, giggle or laugh 'til you pee your pants. Ready? Ok, here goes.....

TO THE END

After an examination, the doctor sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.' The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with a deadly STD.' The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat. After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of a STD! Why did you do that?' She replied, 'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'





THOUGHT FOR THE DAY.... Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often. But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected.

MAFIA HITS & FOOT FETISHES

As a child I was tormented with bad feet, clumsy walking, and numerous other foot problems. I seem to have the worst luck when it comes to my walking apparatuses. Once I was walking down the stairs dragging my feet and the carpet snagged my toenail and ripped it off. I even nailed my foot to a 2x4 before too. I stepped down not noticing a huge nail sticking up. The nail went straight through my sandal and into the bottom of my foot. I have had multiple pieces of furniture dropped on my feet too. Forget the torturous heels and painfully tight shoes. I was constantly stubbing toes, stepping of glass, getting poked by stickers, bumps, bruises, and bites galore.

One of my more frequent injuries involves my pinkie toes. I seems to hit it on furniture, walls, chair legs, you name it. I did it again yesterday. I was walking out of Hanna's room and ran my pinkie toe into her bedroom door. I swear it felt like the door slid all the way between my toes. It is a pain bad enough to bring you to you knees. I grunted, groaned, cursed, and hobbled out to the couch to examine my poor toe. I looked at the little sucker while holding back the tears welling up in my eyes. Even after numerous injuries, the toe is still hanging on.

This caused me to wonder. I've had this same pinkie toe injury multiple times. I am beginning to think my toes are revolting. Maybe the pinkie toe has suicidal tendencies and is throwing itself out in front of objects hoping to be ripped from its spot on my foot. Yet there is another possibility too. Maybe my other toes don't like the pinkie. Probably because it does that weird curled toe thing. I think they are trying to off it like the mafia does with a snitch. You know.... make it look like an accident. No one will be any wiser.

I've often thought I had pretty feet. I remember mentioning it to my mother once when I was in my early twenties. She looked at me like I had three eyes and a horn. Then she laughed. The ladies who do my pedicures have never said anything. Well, I don't think they did, but they often speak a foreign language amongst themselves. Then start to giggle for no apparent reason. I can't remember a man running from the room screaming when I took my shoes off. Yet, I can't remember if the lights were ever on either.

This had me wondering. Are my feet ugly? I Googled 'Ugly Feet' and received some of the following images:

Very interesting. I can honestly say my feet look nothing like any of these images. I thank my genes for that blessing.

Whoa! My curled toe is not even close to this. Is this what happens after years of wearing pointy toed shoes? If I am definitely sticking with flip-flops.

Really? Are you kidding me? Besides the funky Gangrene fungus and nasty colored toenails, what the hell is up with the nail on the big toe? Why on earth would someone let it grow that long. Forget the nail clippers, grab some bolt cutters and cut that damn thing off already!

I think the closest to ugly feet that I will ever get is buying a pair of these goofy shoes. Not that I would ever wear them, but interesting to know someone found it marketable.

My toes are still attached, but I'm pretty sure the pinkie is broken. I know from previous experience there is really nothing you can do for a broken toe. Other than suffer and hobble around. I can't put a shoe on, so I will be sporting some sexy flip-flops for a while. Hopefully I can go foot injury free until this one heals. Maybe I should try bed rest and limit my risk.